... HER SUICIDAL TENDENCIES

March 27, 2010

I learned about the death of Cesar Montano’s son last night via Twitter. He shot himself in the head with a caliber 45. Girl problem. A few weeks ago it was Marie Osmond’s son.

Suicide. Embarrassing as it, I admit I have suicidal tendencies. I haven’t really thought of my having suicidal tendencies. But I always think of suicide. Why, you might ask. But for me, why not?

I can site one instance that I used suicide as leverage. I slit my wrist. I was not able to hit veins. But I got myself scars.

And again because I found myself bored one time. I cut myself repeatedly and for lack of a sharper knife, I cut my sliced skin with scissors, so blood can flow freely.

I haven’t done anything crazy for years now. But of course, I think about it every day.

Like today, I told my colleague, Bryan, that Coldplay’s Fix You makes me think of suicide. Maybe OD on prescription pills and fading slowly with the music...

He told me he could not relate. I asked if he has suicidal tendencies. He says no and does not know anyone with such. I told him he knows me. He said I was weird. But hey, I thought he was weird because he doesn’t.

Recently, I told my husband I understood why mothers kill their children and then take their own lives. He thought that was stupid. I think he just does not know what goes on in the minds of these women. I seriously think I know what they’re thinking.

I’m gonna stop now coz now I’m trying to psycho-analyze myself and when I’m done with the analyzing, I’ll just be plain psycho.