May 9, 2010
The world is full of women blindsided by the unceasing demands of motherhood
still flabbergasted by how a job can be terrific and torturous. ~ Anna Quindlen
I have no idea who this Anna Quindlen is, but she hit the nail right on the head for me. This is exactly how I feel being a mother.
From the very start, ever since I can remember, I have never been a fan of children. I did not like the noise, the running around, the mess they almost always leave behind, etc, etc. I resented the fact that my mom got preggers when I was already in college and I couldn’t go to a summer outing with my friends because I had to babysit my baby brother. I did not understand then that my mother had to go back to work because otherwise, sa kangkungan na kami pupulutin. I did not know that. I only knew that my friends all went to Bantayan and I was at home.
Fast forward to my sister having a baby. She was still a baby! Nash came into our lives and made us all coo and sing because he was really, really cute. Nash is the first nephew. I thought my opinion on kids changed. Until he threw up while I was carrying him. Expletives flew and needless to say, Nash was handed over to the yaya. And my love-hate relationship with kids resumed. I think even kids pick up a scent coz most kids are afraid of me.
Onwards still. It was 2005 when I rode the mommy train. I became a mom to my daughter, Nyx. Like Nanay, I had a daughter as my firstborn. She’s 4 now but I’m still learning the ropes. I still do not have patience. I always, always long to be with them (yes, I got 2 kids now) but when we’re together they sooo drive me crazy. My daughter has a motormouth. Non stop yakity-yak! She talks back, asks a million questions and does everything she is told not to do. Again, 4 years old! So like me! And slowly, I turn into my mother. I scream and dish out empty threats, yup, just like my mother did.
When I was little, I often ask myself why my mom talks a lot, why she screams when she gets mad, why she spanks us, why she complains she’s tired when she gets home from work and still does the dishes and cooks anyway (I always thought she was lying).
Now I understand. Nanay was not lying. She truly, really was tired but she did it anyway. She had a choice. She could have just, well, rested. But no, she did it out of love. Because half the time we did not have a helper growing up (coz there were 3 of us maldita girls) and though we divided most of the household chores, it was Nanay who did everything else! (Tatay was working either in Cebu or Dumaguete that time. And well, what do we really expect out of men?)
And out of the 3 maldita girls in the family, I was, well, I am the diva. I hold the crown. Out of the many mistakes and disappointment I have given her (also coz she expected too much from me) and continue to give her, she has never, not once, closed her door on me. I am sure of this now because I am a mother. All mothers know, too, that we can never be mothers if not for our children. The kids we have are living examples that God is with us. God made us mothers because He knew we can use the upgrade. From extraordinary individuals to super heroes known to our children as MOM.
To my Nanay, thank you for my life, my strength and my principles. Although we do not meet eye to eye most of the time, thank you for always giving way (or maybe making me think that you gave way). I am sorry for everything I have done that might have hurt you and I am sorry for the things that I might do that you won’t approve of. I pray that God give you good health always or maybe the cure for everything you ‘think’ you have.
To Mama Josie and Lola Ester, and to all the mothers out there, especially those who have become a part of my life, thank you so much for the priceless wisdom you have shared and continue to share simply by being good examples. May God always give us all strength for the unceasing demands of motherhood and patience for the terrific and torturous ‘job’. Happy Mother’s Day!
