... Losing MY Baby

A few months back, I blogged about my cousin, Julie, losing her 4-month-old baby. And now I'm back with my own loss.

Yesterday morning while I was at work, I bled. A lot. I called people. I was told to go to the hospital. I was 3 months pregnant.

My husband picked up. We went for ultra sound. And went to my doctor's other clinic. All this time the bleeding did not stop. My crying, too. It was worsening.

The ultrasound confirmed our fear since Wednesday when the OB told me my baby does not have a heartbeat. She was gone. (I wanted a girl.)

I had a hard time accepting that I was pregnant. And when I did, He took her away. I know He has a purpose. I know I would have had a hard time with all the things I am dealing with right now here.

I keep consoling myself that maybe it would have been better off this way because since I've been bleeding, maybe the baby might have some deformities and I would suffer or she will suffer.

I underwent Dilation and Curettage last night. I was told to go straight to the Operating Room. When the whole thing was done, I felt empty and so sad.

Now that I'm home, it's even more painful. Super sakit. It's hard to describe how painful it is. I dont even understand how I can feel this much pain and love for someone I was not able to hold nor even see.

My Baby Z was real for me. I know I love her and I miss her. I keep thinking what it would have been like if she was with us. How would she smell like? I could stop thinking about her for awhile and then she comes right back and the wave of sadness that comes with the memory is just so hard to bear.

I am so sorry baby. I dont know how I could have let this happen. Im so sorry. I love you so much.

Baby Z. 11.12.11