. . . So Sad!

December 5, 2011

The Sunday before last, we went to the Carmelites Church to light some candles since we missed mass because of the carwash. (I'd rather not elaborate on that.) And while my children and my husband lit the candles, I knelt down to say a word of prayer. One word led to another and then my tears started flowing.

My daughter asked me why I was crying. I told her because I was talking to Papa God. I realized that I have been doing that a lot lately -- talking to God and weeping. I do not understand why but I also find myself looking at the altar and then telling them symbols that 'sometimes, Lord, I wish I were dead.' Seriously. And then I think about what if I had died while they were 'completing the abortion.'

Yesterday, I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted quiet. I did not even want to hold my children's hands when we were at the mall. They both tried to hold my hands but I shook them off. I told them to go to their Dad because we have been together all day while their father was working. But they still wanted my hands.

I am not sure what this is leading to but I am just trying to get my feelings out. It's almost Christmas and at mass yesterday, it was one of the things I cried about. It's almost Christmas and yet look at us. I'm just sad. Really sad.